I seemed to be having some good success back in November/December.. and even into February I was doing well..and then suddenly everything sort of slowed down.
Then when I figured out that LDStorymakers wasn't going to happen.. everything sort of died. The little spark that was glowing sort of went out.
My WIP suddenly seemed lost.. discombobulated, completely out of sync. My thoughts stopped getting me excited. In fact my writing thoughts sort of stopped altogether. Not that I didn't have some thoughts, but they were mostly negative, guilt ridden thoughts. It wasn't, "I should do this, or this.." they were more, "Why am I even wasting my time?"
*sigh*.. The really frustrating part is, I know what my stumbling blocks are, I know how to overcome them.. I know what I should be doing. I know that doubt creeps into everybody's minds, I know that I haven't worked hard enough to have earned type of success that I want. I know that allowing myself to become distracted isn't just something that happens.. it's a choice that I consciously and knowingly make. I know that I need to just sit down and pound out a minimum amount of words a day.. even if I don't feel like it, even if there are no words in my heart to speak.. even if the desire to write isn't there. I know that repetition breeds habit, and that success isn't something that just magically happens one day.. in fact I know all too well that there is no such thing as 'success happening'.. that there is no destination, but rather only a journey.. and that success isn't something that occurs but that it is something that joins you mid-journey.
I know these things. I believe these things. I honestly do.. and yet.. still I struggle to maintain my direction. My focus wanders. Sometimes I wonder if I have a focus at all. I have goals.. but they seem to get swallowed up by daily distractions.
Yogi Berra, that fountain of quotations, once said that, "If you don't know where you are going you'll end up someplace else." (think about that for a moment)
Another, more traditional quote, from William Jennings Bryan, "Destiny is not a matter of chance.. it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
I guess my insecurities creep into my small decisions, which in turn has a domino effect from there. It start small, with just those nagging doubts and fears.. and then morphs into the sort of problems that plague me today.
I need to make better decisions on a daily basis.. I need to stop looking at the end goal and start focusing on the small things.. start at the bottom and begin correcting my mistakes from there.. and the rest will follow.
The problem is, how do you keep your eyes off the big goal?