Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Summer-time Writing Process.. As a Stay At Home Dad .

Given my recent experiences (2 days) with 4 kids home from school plus a toddler, I thought I would document my new summer writing regimen.


  1. Set alarm for 5am because nothing is better than writing early in the morning when the mind is fresh and alert and the house is quiet.
  2. Actually click off the light in the bedroom around 1am, lamenting that you didn't get your 'has to be done tonight' work done earlier or that you couldn't put down 'Insert Name of Latest Must Read Book' at 10:30pm like you said you would.
  3. Wake up at 2am when the stupid dog that is supposed to be the kid's responsibility sticks his cold wet nose on your elbow because he needs to go out and pee, scaring the bejeezers out of me.
  4. Think, 'I should check my email real quick before I go back to bed' and then proceed to check Email, Alternate Email, Work Email, Message Board, and Cell Phone for random tweets.
  5. Climb back into bed at 3am.
  6. Sleep-Walk to clock at 5am and turn off alarm before falling back into bed, all while apparently unconscious.
  7. Be shocked into wakefulness around 8am when no fewer than 2 sets of freezing toes are shimmied under my belly and try to go back to sleep as I am assaulted by a chorus of giggles, sharp toenails, and attempted tickles for the next 20 minutes.
  8. Finally fall out of bed, dress hurriedly, and survey the damage of 5 kids and a 1-year old Mastiff, unsupervised, for an hour.
  9. Groggily attempt to get cereal, milk, and spoons into bowls without creating an even bigger mess than what already exists, as a 3-ring circus spontaneously erupts around me.
  10. Finally set myself in front of my computer for some good solid writing time.
  11. Decide to quickly check my email again.
  12. Spend the next 2 hours surfing email, twitter, facebook, my website message board, CNN, and Reuters.
  13. Vow, again, to stop watching and reading the mainstream news because of their focus on all the evils in the world.
  14. Interestingly however, become inspired to write an Apocalyptic story about a man, his wife, 5 kids, a dog, alone on an island as the world burns down around them.
  15. Decide that I should just start getting Lunch ready for the kids instead of diving into a long writing moment that will eventually be disturbed anyway.
  16. Look in the fridge while absentmindedly asking my wife if there is anything to eat.
  17. Talk to my wife about my latest great idea for a story about the Post Apocalyptic Family that now is alone on an island and suffering from a drastic food shortage.
  18. Wait for the kids to finish eating and scrounge for food for 45 minutes before giving up and making a ham sandwich.
  19. Sit back down at my computer with renewed focus and intent.
  20. Open Word and start new document.
  21. Stare blankly at the page wondering if I should try to restart one of the numerous stories I've got about 20,000 words into but that then somehow just fell apart.. or instead start a new story about that great idea I had earlier of the Post-Apocalyptic Dad with the family that has vanished from the island.. leaving him in peace and quiet..
  22. Suddenly jerk awake and discover I've fallen asleep at my writing desk.
  23. Decide to take a short nap to recharge the creative juices that I know are percolating just under the surface.
  24. Be shaken awake by a ticked off spouse fuming over how it is now 6pm and it's time to get the kids inside and start making dinner.  
  25. Wipe the dried drool from the corner of my mouth and look around the room with eyes that feel like they're lubricated with sand and small shards of glass.
  26. Throw left over taco's, corn dogs, and the last handfull of frozen Fries into the toaster oven, set the timer for somewhere around 25(?) minutes or something and twist the knob up to max temp.
  27. Try to smooze the wife, who is still irate over my 5 hour Power Nap.
  28. Help set the table and chase the now naked 3-year old into a corner before grabbing him by the ankle and fireman carrying him into the bedroom where I dress him in shorties, and matching pajama top/bottom.
  29. Come out to discover the PJ Bottoms are already on the floor and he's running down the hallway with a giggle escaping with each footfall all the way back into the living room, as one butt cheek peeks out from his hastily pulled up super hero shorties.
  30. Yell at the kids to get to the table, give each kid an evil eye and bark at each one that so much as coughs during dinner.
  31. Send the kids off to bed at 8pm with a warning to stay in their beds and that tonight is 'NOT THE NIGHT' to press it with Dad.
  32. Around 9pm, reset the alarm at 5am.
  33. 9:10 until 10:30, chase, yell, threaten, bribe, cajole, kids to get back into bed.. before finally giving up and telling them they can watch TV IF they promise to be quiet and to go bed after this one last show.
  34. Suddenly remember that I haven't done any actual work and immediately log into website and Class to respond to questions, post new articles, and try to make it appear as if my day was productive and filled with challenging Questions that stretched my Legally Educated Mind.. all while the theme song to Sponge Bob runs through my head.
  35. Around midnight, finally let loose with a verbal assault that blisters the paint and undoubtedly scars my children for life as they obediently scamper to bed, finally.
  36. Immediately regret the use of at least 7 words that I used in my Parental tirade.
  37. Decide one last check of my email and Iphone is necessary before going to bed.
  38. Spend the next hour doing a google search for 'My Dad Was An Angry Dad' articles to see just how damaged my kids are now...
  39. Turn off computer around Midnight and go to bed.
  40. Turn off nightstand light around 1am and snuggle down to bed, dreading the cold nose and sharp toenails that haunt my nights and then suddenly....
  41. .... grab the notepad by my desk and incoherently write a barely legible, rambling sentence about a family of sharp toenailed monsters that live on a deserted island who are forced to use their cold noses to find food at the back of a giant pitch-black refrigerator.. in order to survive the coming email Apocalypse.
  42. As I drift off to sleep, realize that my life now resembles the movie Groundhog Day.
What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

6 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha!!!! Wait… did you follow me around for the past week and look at my life???

    Laughing. This was fabulous, Kevin. Loved it.

    And I also want to thank you for your kind words today. They mean a lot. Gosh, this business is hard. But it's so great to have people who understand. :)

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    1. Morgan, thanks.. I think anyone that spends time trying to write with kids at home feels our pain. :)

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  2. Damn. I need a shot of bourbon after reading this. How do you have time to breathe or eat?

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    1. .. breathe or eat? What are these concepts? Only time I hear the word 'eat' is when it's preceded by, "Did the kids...".

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  3. This is so perfect!!! We still have two more weeks of school here and then I will be in a similar pattern. Except when my kids are home there's usually a point where I start screaming "MOMMY IS WRITING" and everyone tiptoes around for four minutes before noise levels resume. BTW, what's your must-read book that's keeping you up late?

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    1. Johanna, thanks for asking.. my must read right now is Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King... but there's always a 'must read' waiting on my shelf for when I finish the last one. My kids know when to go outside and play, and luckily my wife is on her summer break at the moment which gives her more time to be at home as a buffer between free-spirited kids and 'mad dad'. ;)

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